


when i say softly, slowly, hold me closer

by parker_kingofbees



Category: 9-1-1 (TV), 9-1-1: Lone Star (TV 2020)
Genre: Astronauts AU, Fluff, Happy Ending, M/M, aka they go to mars au, also sorry chimney for not putting you on the team :/, brief angst, but hey i love mateo, but like plausible, futuristic/sci-fi ish, i hope i didnt miss any tags?, lmk if i did, mateo appreciation 2k21, no beta we die like ............ most of the characters on this show ................, pretty much everyone but buck and eddie are background characters sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-04
Updated: 2021-03-04
Packaged: 2021-03-17 05:48:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,574
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29836968
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/parker_kingofbees/pseuds/parker_kingofbees
Summary: Buck's not spiraling. He's being sent to Mars on NASA's first manned mission to another planet, he just found out he has a dead brother, he's never seen the Earth from this perspective before, and he's not spiraling.//astronaut au involving nearly two years on mars, inspired by the documentary “red heaven”, title from ‘tiny dancer’ by elton john
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz
Comments: 14
Kudos: 59





	when i say softly, slowly, hold me closer

**Author's Note:**

> [this](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2rp8C278tKU9Lmvl1WDyGd?si=OWT7_IU5T3Gn6beqwteaPw) is the playlist i listened to for the majority of the time i wrote this-- and is also the "old person playlist" i imagined bobby listening to, in case anyone is interested :)

Buck was a people’s person at heart, which is what made his whole job seem ridiculous to all his friends and family at home. Why would he sign up to be an astronaut- no, scratch that, why would he sign up to be part of _Iliad I_ , the first manned mission to Mars, knowing it meant a four month flight one way, five months the other, and a year on the planet? Why would he sign up to be isolated with five other people, knowing it would take twenty minutes for any message of his to reach Earth, only to wait a minimum of twenty minutes for a response?

His answer was simple. Or at least it was to him. He had to know.

He had to know what was out there, on Mars. He had to know he was good enough to overcome the unique engineering problems that would arise there. He had to know that Mars was safe for the next mission. He had to know if he could make it, if he could survive being surrounded by the same five people for 21 months. 

Besides, it was too late for doubts, now. You can’t exactly turn around less than a day into a multibillion dollar trip to another planet because you began to doubt your abilities.

 _Either way,_ Buck thought, fighting to reassure himself, _NASA would’ve weeded me out a long time ago if I didn’t fit their requirements._ It felt soothing, knowing that some of the brightest minds thought he could manage 21 months on another planet. Who was he to disagree?

“You okay, Buckley?” asked a voice. “You seem a little lost in thought.”

Buck tore his eyes away from the window, where Earth was constantly growing smaller, instead looking at Bobby Nash, the mission’s captain.

“Yeah, yeah. Just… thinking about home.”

“Homesick already?” Bobby asked, and Buck’s first instinct would usually be to go on the defensive, but the way his captain said it, it sounded less judgmental and more empathetic.

“Sort of,” Buck admitted. “My parents just… said a bunch of stuff before I left, and it made me feel bad for going. My sister, she found out she was pregnant a month ago, and they started guilt tripping me about it. Then, when that wasn’t changing my mind, they told me about how I wouldn’t be able to handle only seeing five people for two years. I obviously still didn’t change my mind, but… I’m scared they might have been right.”

Even as Buck jogged on the treadmill, Bobby placed a reassuring hand on his shoulder. “Hey,” he said. His voice was soft and paternal, and Buck hated that it was exactly how he wished his father had spoken to him when they said goodbye. “It might be challenging, but you’ve got this. You’ll be fine. It might not seem like it yet, but this crew is gonna be family by the time we’re home.”

Buck nodded slowly. "Yeah, thanks, Cap."

"Any time, son. You let me know if you ever want to chat."

Bobby actually called him _son_ , and it's all Buck could do to not start crying when he nodded and turned back to staring out the window at Earth, the only home he's ever known, surrounded by void as his feet hit hard against the treadmill.

Buck still wasn't quite hungry enough to actually go out of his way to eat, and it sounded like Bobby was using the kitchen anyways, so when he finished his workout, he headed to his quarters.

Even though they haven't been off the planet for long, even though Buck had been away from his friends and family for much longer periods of time with less opportunity for communication (thanks, brief stint in the navy), the image of a shrinking Earth still appeared every time Buck closed his eyes, and existentialism was threatening to wear on him fast, so he pulled out his laptop and clicked to his email, hoping that _maybe_ Maddie had kept her promise to email often.

Seeing an unopened message waiting in his inbox instantly gratified his decision. Clicking on it, Buck tried to push away the intruding knowledge that it's going to take longer and longer for her messages to reach him.

_Dear Evan,_

_I already miss you so much. I think I might be driving Chimney crazy with my fretting, but I'll spare you from it. I'm sure you're already worried enough about your trip._

_I'm going to get the serious stuff out of the way first, because I know you'd prefer that. Mom and Dad swore to me that they wouldn't let you leave without telling you, but now they won't tell me how the conversation went, so… how are you doing? I'm really sorry I didn't tell you, but I made a promise. A promise that I almost broke more times than I can count, but a promise nonetheless. Please don't be mad at me. I love you._

_So, assuming you're still reading and not overwhelmingly mad at me, here's some generic updates. Chimney keeps swearing he feels the baby moving, even though I keep reminding him that he's about three months early on that. He also keeps asking when I'm going to stop working, but hopefully that's a lot further down the road._

_Tell me about everything! How's the crew? How's space? Did you get a picture of Earth? I know I could look up a photo from NASA but I'd really love to see a picture from you when you return!_

_Okay, well, I'm going to sign off here. I love you, Evan. Stay safe. Write often._

_Love,_

_Maddie_

Buck stared at the screen, eyes caught on that second paragraph. What the hell was Maddie talking about? All their parents had said when they said goodbye was "This was a mistake, of course you wanted to go to _Mars_ , you better hope nothing happens to us while you're gone".

_Mads,_

_I was just getting homesick when I saw your email. Great timing! Um, I'll save your questions for another email, though._

_Mom and Dad didn't say anything, just that I shouldn't go on this mission. What the hell are you talking about?_

_Love,_

_Buck_

Hitting send, Buck sighed and closed his laptop. It must've been a day of great timing, because right as he closed it, he heard a knock at the door.

"Yeah?" he called out.

"Nash finished dinner," a voice responded. "He wants us all to eat together." Buck wasn't quite able to guess who it was yet; he knew it wasn't the physician, Henrietta, or the geologist, Grace, because the voice was much more masculine than either of theirs, which leaves either the chemist, Mateo, or the biologist and backup medic, Edmundo. By the time Buck had groaned out an acknowledgement and opened the door though, the guy was gone, so that was a mystery to be solved later.

Around the table by the kitchen on their space shuttle, the whole crew sat, dishes out but food unserved.

“What, are we gonna do family dinners?” Buck asked, tone light and teasing.

“Yes,” Bobby answered. “I think it makes for good bonding, at least while we’re on the ship. I know we all have things we need or want to do while we’re on the way to Mars, but I want us all to eat dinner together. We’ll also be doing one on one team building activities every day. Nothing too time consuming, don’t worry, just enough to get us all comfortable. We need to trust each other with our lives _before_ we land.”

“Got it, Cap,” Buck agreed. “In that case, I think our first team building activity is making sure we all have nicknames, because I don’t think I can trust anyone who calls me _Evan_ or _Buckley_. So for me, it’s Buck.” He tacked the last sentence on with a smile, and he let his eyes wander around the table until he made eye contact with every person.

“Well, I guess you stuck me with Cap already,” Bobby said, good-naturedly. “So there we have it.”

Edmundo spoke up next from Buck’s right. “Eddie works for me, I know my name’s a bit of a mouthful.”

“Then I guess Hen for me,” Henrietta offered, giving a small, amused smile.

“You guys are all boring, I want my nickname to be Iron Man,” Mateo said decisively.

“ _Nobody_ is calling you Iron Man,” Hen replied, shaking her head.

“Captain America?”

“We already got one Cap, we can’t have another,” Buck reasoned.

“Superman?”

Almost before Mateo finished with his latest suggestion, Eddie started talking over him. “Does everyone really need a nickname? If you like the name Mateo, we’ll call you that. If you like your last name, we can call you that instead.”

“Mateo’s good,” Mateo decided, seeming completely unperturbed by Eddie’s borderline-aggressive comment.

“In that case, I’m just sticking with Grace,” Grace said after she swallowed her mouthful of pasta.

Then, before Buck could say anything else, the conversation slipped away from him, taking twists and turns he couldn’t control. Which, well, that’s part of talking to other people, he knew that, but he also just felt so much confusion and frustration building up as he thought of Maddie’s cryptic message and the view of Earth as he ran and everything his parents said, and he just wanted to feel he controlled _one_ thing.

They were talking about their family. Bobby, Eddie, and Hen all had kids, and Bobby, Hen, and Grace all talked about their spouses, which left Buck a little taken aback. He assumed everyone would be like him- no one relying on him, prioritizing him, loving him in the way they were loved. They were leaving their partners- their _children_ \- for nearly two years. He couldn’t wrap his mind around the _why_ of it all, why this mission was so important to them that they had to leave the planet. But just as he was settling into this new topic of family, after he had shared about Maddie and Chimney and his niece or nephew who would be born while he was here, they were changing subjects again, and Buck was losing control again.

So he shoveled down the rest of his pasta, trying not to be so obviously rushing through his meal, and waited for a break in the conversation. When it came, he stood abruptly. “Sorry guys, this has been great, but I want to check my email again before I go to sleep. I think my sister was planning on sending one. I probably won’t see you all again until tomorrow. G’night!”

There came a chorus of good nights and sleep wells as Buck retreated to his room.

_Dear Evan,_

_I can’t believe they didn’t tell you. I’m so sorry, I really thought they would. I guess I should bite the bullet and tell you myself, should I? This is going to sound crazy, but I need you to believe me._

_We had a brother._

There’s a whole email full of information expanding on that sentence, but Buck was already spiraling. _What the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the-_

_Maddie,_

_I gotta be honest, this is nothing along the lines of what I thought you were gonna say. I’m really gonna need a few days to process this one. I’ll tell you when I’m ready to talk about it._

_I’ll tell you about things up here I guess. The ship is pretty cool. Whoever designed it made it pretty round to help simulate gravity a little more accurately, though we still have to work out pretty regularly to keep our muscles from essentially falling apart. But anyways, the ship isn’t super big, but it’s big enough, I suppose. Four months until Mars!_

_Anyways, you wanted to know about my crewmates. There’s Bobby, but I mostly call him Cap when I talk about him. He’s the captain, as I’m sure you can guess. If anything goes wrong on Mars, he needs to make decisions, at least ones that’ll allow us to survive the forty minute wait for NASA’s message. He’s got a wife and two step kids, and he already seems to be fathering the rest of us (he’s older than all of us)._

_Next up is Hen, she’s our physician. So I’ll probably be putting her to work much more frequently than anyone else. Honestly, I’m just waiting for the day that I put her to work while we’re still on the ship. She also has a wife (who actually is working on this project from the ground???) and two kids, but she definitely is not mothering us. She’s ruthless in her teasing, and I’ve only known her a day._

_Our geologist is Grace. Her job is just rocks and stuff. Fascinating, I know, but I can’t really describe anything beyond that because I zone out every time she discusses her goals for her time on Mars. I’m just… not interested by rocks… sorry Grace… Anyways, she has a husband (who is a firefighter, so maybe I can hear more 9-1-1 stories that aren’t from you or Chimney). That’s half of us present who have spouses, which, I gotta admit, is more of us than I was expecting._

_Mateo is our chemist, so I’m not entirely sure what he’s gonna be doing on Mars. Atmosphere stuff? That’s not really chemistry. Experiments? Just to make sure they still work? Looking at the elements on Mars? Maybe looking even closer than before to see if the planet could sustain life. I don’t know. Anyways, he’s got a pet dog, but much like me, not a lot of family._

_Last (but not least, I think) is Eddie. He’s our biologist-microbiologist two punch, so he will be growing plants *and* bacteria on Mars, I guess. Hopefully, he’s good at it. I’m prepared to eat grass if that’s what can break the monotony of freeze-dried meals. He has a kid at home, too, which again brings us to half the crew, which again makes me wonder why everyone wants this._

_I don’t know._

_Love,_

_Buck_

Buck went through the next few days in a bit of a haze. He worked on pre-Mars prep, he exercised, he ate meals with everyone. He did Bobby’s bonding exercises with Hen, Mateo, and Grace. He struggled to come to terms with what Maddie told him.

It was on the fourth day that he had his bonding exercise with Eddie. They finished quickly, so it was just the two of them, sitting in the dining room and staring out the window.

“My wife filed for divorce when I told her I was going on this mission,” Eddie said, breaking the silence with an abruptness that almost made Buck flinch. “She’s taking care of my kid with help from my parents now, but when I get back, she said she’s leaving.”

Buck didn’t know how to respond. He gave the sentence a few moments of silence, to let the gravity of it sink in, before responding, “I have a brother.”

He turned to study Eddie, who was sitting to his right. Eddie had turned to face him at about the same time. Buck swallowed (and pushed away any thoughts regarding Eddie's appearance), and added, “I didn’t know until the first day after leaving Earth. He had cancer as a kid, needed a bone marrow transplant. No one in my family was a match. So… my parents had me.”

Eddie’s eyes seemed to soften- not quite in pity, but pity-adjacent, Buck supposed. “And?”

“And I was a match. But he still died a year later. So my parents moved us to a new state and pretended he never existed.”

Buck had turned back to staring out the window. It was easier to stare out at impossibly far stars than at Eddie as he spoke of his brother out loud for the first time ever.

Perhaps that’s why he flinched when Eddie rested a hand on his shoulder, but he settled into the touch pretty quickly. 

They sat like that, legs brushing up against each other, until the others finished their exercises.

It was nice, Buck decided, the newfound camaraderie he and Eddie had built. They started eating lunch together (Bobby only shepherded everyone together for dinner), and Buck was delighted to discover that Eddie was a horrendous chef.

“How hard is it to rehydrate ham?” Buck asked incredulously, stirring his pan of food and staring at Eddie, who was perched on the counter.

“Well, I’ve never had to make much more than soup from a can,” Eddie replied defensively. “The army taught me how to eat burnt food, not how to cook!”

Buck snorted. “Right, well, you’re lucky that you have Cap and I here to cook for you, I guess.”

“Yes, I am,” Eddie answered.

Buck looked up and around at the room. Mateo was in his room, he remembered, and Bobby was probably going over contingency plans for his contingency plans. He didn’t have a clue as to where Hen and Grace were, but they weren’t present, so Buck turned his eyes back to Eddie and bit the bullet. “Why did you decide to go on this mission? Your wife _divorced_ you over it. Not to mention your son.”

“I-” Eddie started, stopped, took a deep breath, seemed to gather himself. “I deployed to Afghanistan when I found out Sharon was pregnant. It was easier to go there and say I was getting extra money for the baby then it was to stay. Obviously, my deployment came to an end, and I came home. Then Christopher got diagnosed with CP, and I wanted to run again. I don’t know, I had gotten my master’s already through the army, and I figured it was such a long shot, so I applied for the mission. You can figure the rest out, I imagine.”

Buck nodded, not saying anything. He had started to dish up the food when Eddie spoke again.

“Now you owe me your honest-to-God reason for signing on to the _Iliad_. And don’t give me any “unique challenges” crap.”

Regretting his decision to broach the topic at all, Buck handed Eddie a plate of food awkwardly. They both sat at the table, across from each other, and Buck gathered his thoughts enough to talk.

“I don’t really know. I guess I just… am used to wandering. I spent a few years going wherever I could find work. You know, a few months in Montana as a ranch hand before working at a bar in Peru, going to L.A. for a while, stuff like that. I guess I just realized that astronaut was still an actual career path, so that’s what I started working on. And since I don’t have any, like, kids or partner or anything, I figured a two year trip to Mars was right up my alley.”

Eddie stared at him, as if trying to prompt him to say more.

“I guess I also wanted to know how close I could get to actually going on the mission.”

“Well, this is about as close as anyone can get,” Eddie said lightly. “Did you not think you were gonna get chosen?”

“No, not really,” Buck admitted, looking down at his plate as his fork pushed his food around. “Didn’t think I was good enough.”

“Why’d you think that?” Eddie asked, his voice soft. Buck felt his stomach twist when he finally reestablished eye contact.

“It never feels like I am.”

_Dear Evan,_

_Tomorrow is your birthday!!! You’re going to be 30!!! It’s going to be weird not having you here, but I’ll still stay up until midnight to celebrate. Chimney and I are going to send you a video as soon as your birthday arrives in L.A._

_I hope you’re getting along well with your team. Are you all sick of each other yet? It’s already been almost four months!_

_I miss you so much. Please send me a video once you get mine!_

_Love,_

_Maddie_

“Are you okay, Buck? You seem… glum today,” Bobby said, setting dinner down on the table, some days after Buck’s talk with Eddie about the mission.

“Yeah,” Buck grumbled, head resting on his arms so he was eye-level with his plate. “It’s just… tomorrow’s my birthday.”

“Happy birthday!” said Mateo with excitement. Eddie must’ve kicked him, because he then quietly said, “Ow, what was that for?” while glaring at him.

“I… don’t want to talk about it, Cap.”

“Okay. Let’s all just eat then, hmm?” Bobby said.

After dinner, everyone was quick to disperse except Mateo and Eddie.

"You can go, Mateo, I’ll do the dishes tonight,” Eddie said firmly.

“But-” Mateo stopped himself, seeming to think better of whatever argument he was going to make. “Alright.”

Buck wasn’t quite hiding behind his plate, but the dish did conveniently keep Eddie out of his sight. That is, until Eddie moved it and sat in Hen’s seat across the table. “What’re you really upset about?”

He hesitated, waited a beat to battle with himself. To tell or not to tell. He didn't want to be a burden, but… it'd be nice to see if someone would be willing to partake in his little tradition.

"Usually, I'll stay up on my birthday. Like New Years, y'know? Up till midnight to celebrate a new year, and lately I've been doing it with my sister. This is the first time I won't since she… got out of a bad place. It's sort of weighing on me."

"Well, I know it's not the same but… I can stay up with you, if you want," Eddie offered hesitantly.

"That'd… be nice," Buck admitted. "But really, you don't have to."

"Eh, my sleep schedule's weird enough," Eddie said, dismissing the notion with a wave of his hand. "It's only going to get worse when we land, honestly."

Buck was really glad for the company, if he was speaking honestly. His birthday didn't really feel real, and having any semblance of normalcy, having some other person to sit through this tradition with him, helped. Eddie in general helped. The butterflies in his stomach, not so much. His growing feelings for Eddie, definitely not.

How stupid does someone have to be to like one of the _five_ coworkers they're going to live with for- shit, he still had 17 months left. It left Buck stuck between a rock and a hard place; he could suffer through this- this _crush_ for a year and a half, knowing they would only grow closer and closer with time, or he could admit his feelings and get over the whole thing, creating an awkward work environment and alienating his closest friend on an entire damn planet.

 _Or,_ a small part of him considered. _Or you guys could date._

But it just took considering the thought for Buck to cringe. Yeah, they could date. They could date and have a horrible breakup and be stuck with horrible animosity between them and several more months of isolation.

"Hey, what're you thinking about?" Eddie asked, voice soft and gentle. And dammit, it was things like this that made Buck like him.

"Maddie," he answered, because obviously he couldn't say what was _actually_ on his mind.

"Well, it's almost midnight in Houston, and that's the clock we're on, so… wanna prep to record your video for Maddie?” Eddie asked.

“Okay,” Buck answered, nodding. “Yeah. That’s a good idea.”

“You know, I can just stand behind the camera, you can pretend I’m not here,” Eddie offered, though he still settled down next to Buck, back against the wall and legs reaching towards and past Buck’s laptop. The recording software was cued up, though not yet recording.

“No, no, this is fine. Maddie’ll like to know someone stayed up with me. And it’s not like she doesn’t know who you are. I talk about you in my emails,” Buck reasoned nonchalantly, heart racing as Eddie’s hand settled dangerously close to Buck’s thigh.

“You do?” Eddie asked, smiling at him.

“W- yeah, I- well, I mean,” Buck started mentally scrambling, face starting to warm up. “I mean, I’ve talked about everyone, naturally. But also, I spend most of my time with you, it’d be hard _not_ to bring you up.”

Eddie nodded, still smiling. “Right, right. Well, it’s almost time, you want to start recording now?”

Buck nodded, reached down to the keyboard resting on his calves, and hit record.

“Hey, Maddie! It’s almost midnight in Houston, so I guess it’s almost midnight for us? I’m joined by Eddie, because he offered to stay up with me. Uh, happy birthday to me, I guess. I love you and I miss you so much! Stay safe!” Buck waved, grinning, but the smile was gone by the time he ended the video, throat closing up with the threat of tears.

“Hey, man, you need a hug?” Eddie asked after a few beats of silence.

“I’m-” _fine_ , Buck tried to say. It didn’t quite work out, so he tried again. “I-” _am fine._ And suddenly, he was trying not to cry and couldn’t force anything out, so he just nodded pathetically and allowed himself to be pulled into Eddie’s arms.

“You can cry,” Eddie said quietly. Buck felt Eddie’s breath on his head. “I know it feels like you shouldn’t, but it’s okay to cry. We’re- God, we’re farther from Earth than any human has ever been. You can cry if you miss your sister.”

“Thank you,” Buck choked out through a sob. “Thank you.”

After that, the boundaries of their friendship shifted a little. When Bobby decided the entire team was going to watch a movie to celebrate Buck’s birthday (“Really?” Eddie had asked, unimpressed. “We’re watching _The Martian_?”), they didn’t even have to discuss it. Buck and Eddie sat next to each other on the ground before the screen, arms around each other. So many miles- an unfathomably large amount- from other people, it’s nice to have physical comfort. The others definitely noticed (Hen would later tease them about it, Mateo would ask if they were dating, Bobby would give them a knowing smile, and Grace would shake her head silently whenever Eddie and Buck dismissed Mateo’s questions and Hen’s teasing), but Buck was just honestly so relieved to feel the comfort of the weight of another person in your arms that he didn’t even care.

As Mars grew nearer, the others started expecting to see Buck and Eddie working on their individual preparation together- usually laying in Buck’s bed, propped up by the wall, pressed together shoulder to foot while they silently typed away on their laptops. It started to become weird for them to _not_ be together (“Hey, guys- wait, where’s Eddie?” Mateo asked once, poking his head into Buck’s room. Buck had answered, not even looking up, “He had to check on his plants. I was too busy double checking the stats of the Mars base to move.”). Their friendship was less _Buck and Eddie_ and more _BuckandEddie_. Best friends.

“You’re my best friend on the whole planet,” Buck said with a shit-eating grin one night while they laid in bed, staring out the skylight in Buck’s new quarter. Same stars, new perspective.

“I’d be hurt if I wasn’t,” Eddie had answered, shifting to be slightly more comfortable as he used Buck’s arm as a pillow. Through the pisspoor ‘sound-proofed’ walls, they could hear Mateo yell “FUCK” as he assumedly stubbed his toe ( _yet again_ ) on a desk or something.

“You know what, I changed my mind. Mateo’s my favorite bastard on this rock.”

Eddie shoved his shoulder into Buck's side, grumbling "asshole" under his breath.

_I'm going to die_ , Buck realized one day, a month after landing.

He wasn't exaggerating for once. He was sitting on a big red rock about a mile off from base, Mateo poking around in the back of Buck's suit.

They had been off, checking out the surrounding area, looking for lava tubes on Grace's behalf. It was a simple matter of the buddy system; Grace needed to check however many square miles of surface for lava tubes that would then be searched for hints of life, past or present, and to get it done, it was best to send multiple people out. Grace and Hen together, Mateo and Buck together, Bobby and Eddie at base (they couldn't risk both their medics getting hurt, and Bobby needed to be able to run any emergency protocols that could arise). It was just as Mateo and Buck began trekking back to base that Buck realized something.

 _It's quiet_ , Buck had thought to himself. _Too quiet._ He had stopped where he stood, Mateo pausing a second later to look at him quizzically. Then it hit him. _Stay calm._

"Mateo," he said slowly, fighting panic. "My fan turned off."

Buck's fan was off. He wasn't filtering in any more air. He only had so much in the suit.

"Holy shit, holy shit, what do we do?" Mateo asked frantically, rushing over.

Buck sat on the rock. "Stay calm, for one." _Why did it have to happen to the engineer?_ he thought miserably, thinking of how he could explain to Mateo the steps to diagnosing the problem. "Open up the back panel."

"Okay," Mateo said. A moment later, he added, "Done."

"See the switch for the fan? It should look like the switch for a surge protector."

"Mhm."

"Switch it off."

"Okay."

Buck paused, counted to ten, then said, "Now turn it back on."

"D- did you just have me turn it on and then back off again?" Mateo asked.

"Yes," Buck said. "Now be quiet, I need to see if it worked."

They both froze for a few of the worst few moments of Buck's life. "Dammit, it didn't. I'll have to fix it myself."

"But you can't-"

"I know I can't take it off!" he snapped. Then, a moment later, "I'm sorry." Mateo didn't respond, just patted Buck's shoulder. Buck clicked a button on his arm. "Base, this is Buckley. See Chavez and myself making our way back presently. Be aware that my air filter is no longer working. Please be ready to repressurize entrance at our arrival."

There were a few beats of silence, then Eddie's voice crackling over the radio. "Base to Buckley. Copied. Please hurry, and stay safe."

Buck tried not to think about the thinly veiled panic in Eddie's voice as he stood up from the rock.

"Well, let's go, Mateo. We don't have much time to waste," Buck said, setting a brisk pace back towards base. Back towards Eddie. 

"How are you being so calm about this, man? I'm freaking out! Wait, don't answer! The more you talk the less oxygen you have!" Mateo said frantically, letting one thought lead way to another. He kept rambling, and Buck just let him. The kid was a stress talker, that much was obvious.

After far too long for comfort, Buck and Mateo climbed out over the slight dip they had found themselves in and saw the base only a few hundred feet away. Buck was feeling woozy, and oxygen was getting harder to suck in. He thought in the distance he might've seen Hen and Grace, but it was impossible for him to tell in his state.

"Base, this is Buckley," Buck wheezed out, closing the entrance carefully. "Entering now."

He heard more than saw or felt the entrance hall fill with pressure, and then the second entrance unzipping. Already, Buck was fumbling, trying to force his suit off, when he heard Eddie say "shh, stop, let me help" softly.

Finally, the suit was off, and Buck heaved a huge breath before collapsing.

He could feel his heart beating rapidly, more rapidly than it had ever beaten before. He could feel himself be slowly lowered to the ground. He could hear Hen and Grace enter, frantically ask how he was doing. He could hear Eddie bark at the others to "Back up, dammit, let him breathe." He could feel hands tilting his face this way and that, checking his pulse, prodding him with cool, sterile instruments.

"He's okay," Eddie said at last, though his voice was strained. "I think he'll just be out of it a little longer while his body re-oxygenates."

Buck couldn't quite comprehend all that was happening, but he felt Eddie move away. He tried to call out, but it sounded more like a hum, and nobody seemed to catch it in the ensuing noise of moving around, either talking to each other or checking on him.

When he finally managed to struggle up into an upright position, Mateo actually cheered. Buck looked at each person in turn, taking in their relieved smiles one by one. Mateo, Bobby, Hen, Grace…

"Eddie?" Buck asked, unable to phrase it with any more specificity. The group exchanged glances, all seeming to communicate silently (except Mateo, who just seemed caught up in the joy of everyone being alright). 

"I think he went upstairs," Bobby said softly. "I don't think you should-"

Not bothering to hear him out, Buck struggled to his feet. He almost fainted as he staggered to the stairs, but he managed to grasp the railing and haul himself up towards the quarters. He was doing better by the time he reached the top.

Buck had knocked at Eddie's door, but several moments passed without a response, so he opened his own door instead. And there, sitting on Buck's bed with his head in his hands, was Eddie.

"Hey," Buck called softly, stumbling and sitting beside him. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah," Eddie answered gruffly. Then, a few moments later, "No." Buck sat silently, waiting for Eddie to continue. "You could've died, y'know? You're the closest person to me on this whole fucking planet and you could've died. And it would haunt me forever because _I_ was the medic waiting for you here and because _I_ could've gone out instead of you-"

"And _Mateo_ could've gotten the defunct suit and I could've fixed it while we were out there and we would’ve been fine. Or Hen or Grace could've gotten the suit and gotten hurt _or worse_ because I wasn't with them. There are a lot of ways today could've ended, better or worse, but none of them happened," Buck reminded Eddie. He wrapped an arm around his shoulders. "Today was scary, but everyone is safe. I'm going to figure out what happened, teach everyone how to solve the issue, and we'll email NASA for further instructions."

"If I had lost you-"

"You would've been sent home by NASA, probably. You would've gotten to see Christopher again. You would've grieved and then gotten over it."

Eddie looked at him- _really_ looked- with wet, watery eyes. In a voice so quiet Buck had to strain to hear, he said "I don't think I would've." Buck, as usual, didn't answer. But this time, it wasn't to prompt more information, or to offer silent solace, but out of a lack of words to say. He was frozen, fighting to process the words. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said anything," Eddie said, standing. Buck kept his hold on his shoulder and pulled him back down.

"What do you mean?" Buck asked softly.

"I… don't know how… I tried not to, but…" Eddie maintained his firm stare at the floor, like it was to blame for his struggle. "I think I'm falling in love with you."

"Eddie," Buck said softly. Finally, Eddie looked up from the floor. "Me too."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

"But- there's the mission to think about, and if something were to-"

"Hey," Buck said, cupping one of Eddie's cheeks with his hand. “I’ll follow your lead on this, I’ll do what you want to do, but _I trust you_ . I trust you completely and fully. If things don’t work, I trust that neither of us will have betrayed the other’s trust. If things don’t work, I trust we’ll both be able to work together and go back to being friends. I trust that we’ll both do our best to make things work out.” With each declaration of trust, Buck sank closer and closer, until his forehead pressed against Eddie’s and he could gaze through his eyelashes at Eddie’s face. “ _I trust you_.”

As if reading each other’s mind, in near perfect synchronicity, they moved that extra little space and kissed. Buck’s hands found their way to Eddie’s hair, and Eddie had laced his fingers behind Buck’s neck, and for a moment, it was almost as if they were one.

“I can’t believe we’re the first gay couple on the planet,” Buck said when they broke apart.

Eddie huffed, looking away with a grin. “You’re ridiculous. We’re here searching for evidence of life. What if there was a gay couple from an old species that went extinct?”

“Fine,” Buck said. “We’re the first human gay couple on the entire planet.”

“I’ll allow it.”

They were on Mars for three months when Maddie’s baby arrived.

Buck and Eddie were lying on the former’s bed, Eddie going over his plant data while Buck checked his inbox. “Oh hey,” Buck said, sounding pleasantly surprised. “Maddie sent me a video.”

He clicked the video and Eddie, head still resting on his shoulder, watched too.

It was Chimney behind the camera, showing Maddie and the little baby girl in her arms, and they both seemed so proud and happy and just over the moon to have this little child in their lives.

“We miss you, Evan!” Maddie said to the camera, looking like she might be crying were it not for the huge smile on her face. “Joy can’t wait to meet her uncle!”

It was hard to see. For both of them. For Eddie, thinking of Christopher, who was bigger in each video he got, and for Buck, thinking of everything he was going to miss seeing as Joy grew up- who knew how many firsts she’d have before he made it home.

“14 months,” he whispered to Eddie. “We’ll be home in 14 months.”

_Dear Buck_

_I know you from the videos my dad sends with you. He told me I could write a letter to you if I wanted! What’s it like being an astronaut? Dad’s one too, but he never tells me the cool stuff._

“Eddie,” Buck said softly, five months after they landed on Mars. “Why do I have an email from Christopher?”

“He wants to get to know you,” Eddie answered from his go-to spot on Buck’s shoulder. “I want him to get to know you. I mean, we’ve been dating for four months. I think I would’ve introduced you two by now if we were on Earth. Should I have asked you first?”

“No, no, I don’t mind, I’m glad, actually,” Buck answered. “I just… didn’t know if you knew that he sent it. I didn’t know _he_ knew we’re dating.”

“Well, he doesn’t actually know,” Eddie clarified. “But that’s just because I want to explain it to him in person. He’ll know when we get home.”

“In a year,” Buck said, smiling.

“In a year.”

_Eddie’s plants are growing really well_ , Buck realized, six months after their arrival on Mars. The plants were getting to be pretty large, and the tanks were greener and grosser than ever. He was lounging in the warm room, messing with some plans to restore the rover a few miles away, while Eddie watered and measured each plant, taking dutiful notes on each.

Then, he realized, _We only have six months left on Mars_.

That was the first time Buck had thought of their time remaining as a fact to be mourned rather than to be celebrated.

He missed home, no doubt about it. He missed going outside without a heavy suit (that thankfully had not malfunctioned since that one incident), missed the feeling of grass under his feet and wind on his skin, missed the smell of the ocean, missed the sounds of a crowd of people pushing past each other as they went about their days.

But he was going to miss _this_ , too. He was going to miss the excitement of a new, unexplored planet, the sounds of Bobby cooking in the kitchen with his old-person music playing, the sight of Mateo begging first Hen, then Buck, then Eddie, and then finally working up the courage to beg Grace, to play a board game with him (somehow, he always finished his work for the day first). He was going to miss Hen teasing him and Grace having thoughtful conversations with him while she studied her latest rock sample. He was going to miss the feeling of Eddie sleeping next to him, head on his shoulder, the feeling of Eddie’s arms around him late at night, the way Eddie hugged him from behind while he cooked, or placed his hand on Buck’s back as they walked through a doorway together. Because nothing was certain, and Buck wasn’t even sure what Eddie wanted for them when they got back to Earth.

“You live in Texas, right?” Buck asked.

“I think I live on Mars, actually,” Eddie said lightly, shooting a grin at Buck from the radish plant he was inspecting.

“You know what I mean. Your family is in Texas. El… Pass… O...?”

“El Paso, yeah. And Maddie’s in L.A., right? Is that where you live, too?”

“I mean, I don’t really _live_ anywhere, I wander. But I guess it’s where I’ll go when we get back home.”

“I always wanted to try living somewhere other than Texas,” Eddie said, moving on to the next plant. “I’ve lived there all my life- current mission excluded- and I could honestly deal with some distance between my parents and I.”

“Where do you think you’ll go?”

“I think Christopher and I would do good in L.A.. It might be the right place for us.”

Eddie smiled at Buck again and- _Oh._ Buck realized that his boyfriend had caught on to the question he didn’t know he was asking. _Oh._

They had been on Mars for eight months when Buck’s birthday came around again.

There was no glum prelude, no mourning the loss of tradition. It almost felt normal, even. The night before, at dinner, Bobby asked Buck what his favorite food was, promising to make the closest thing to it possible for his birthday. Mateo asked what game Buck would want to play, Eddie and Grace and Hen offered to team up to split Buck’s chores. The closest thing they had to gifts. Buck loved it.

As midnight drew near, Eddie and Buck lied in bed, holding each other close, before finally stretching, sitting up, and filming Maddie a short video.

In the quiet after, Buck resting his head on Eddie’s chest for once, he smiled in contentment. Everything was perfect; the warmth, the sound of Eddie’s heart beating in Buck’s ear, the feeling of fingers running along his scalp. This was true happiness.

“Eddie?” Buck whispered.

“Yeah?” Eddie whispered back, never hesitating in his fingers’ continual journey through Buck’s hair.

“I love you.”

Buck didn’t even know he was going to say it until the words were already out. Still, even after he processed the words, even as Eddie’s fingers stilled, he didn’t regret saying them. He was always a ‘wear-my-heart-on-my-sleeve’ type of guy, and this was just an extension of that. It was true; he did love Eddie. So much it made his chest hurt.

After a long period of silence, Eddie whispered, “I love you too” and continued running his fingers through Buck’s hair.

By the time they had been on Mars for 9 months, Buck was really getting the hang of making dehydrated food into appetizing meals. He had studied Bobby for a while, and then started helping him, and then started taking turns making dinners for everyone. Long gone were the days of the mediocre lunches he prepared on the space shuttle.

He felt Eddie come up behind him, wrap his arms around his waist, press a kiss to his neck. “It’s a shame you won’t be able to keep cooking with dehydrated ingredients when we get back,” he said.

“Says who? I’ll find a way.”

“I think I’ve only ever seen astronaut ice cream, and even that’s hard to find, sorry babe.”

“Yeah, yeah, well, how do you know my food won’t be better with hydrated ingredients?”

“Because I really feel like cooking is an over exaggeration for what you’re doing here. You’re really just boiling things. You’re making ramen, basically.”

"Okay, no dinner for you," Buck grumbled, shoving Eddie with his elbow. "And you can make your own lunch from now on."

"Jerk," Eddie answered, propping his chin on Buck's shoulder.

“You love me,” Buck retorted. There was no keeping the smile off his face, the hint of amazement and wonder out of his voice. Eddie pressed another kiss to his neck.

“Yeah, I do.”

Buck and Eddie walked side by side around the base, conducting the monthly inspection of the base's exterior. It was the beginning of their twelfth month; they only had a few weeks left before they boarded the space shuttle and left Mars. Leaving one home to return to another.

Buck wished he could hold Eddie's hand, feel the warm pressure as they wandered the red wasteland. _Well,_ Buck amended. _Not quite a wasteland._ It was still home. Beautiful in its own right.

He was going to miss it.

Tomorrow, they would pack up the base, board the space shuttle, and leave Mars. But tonight, Buck and Eddie laid in their bed, bathing in the comfortable silence and gazing at the little patch of sky visible through Buck's skylight. Below somewhere, they could hear Bobby's old person playlist drift through the base. _Tiny Dancer_. Elton John.

Partially to poke fun at Bobby, partially just for fun, Buck joined loudly in at the chorus, pulling Eddie even closer to his side. When the chorus ended, venturing back into unfamiliar territory for Buck, he smacked a wet kiss to Eddie’s cheek.

“Thanks for that,” Eddie said playfully.

“Any time, Eds,” Buck answered, smiling so widely and happily that his face began to hurt. Below, they could hear the song switch to another Elton John song.

“Don’t you think this song is a little too on the nose?” Eddie asked absently after a stretch of quiet.

“How so?”

Eddie didn’t say anything for a moment, as if trying to place his argument. Finally, he sang along quietly, “Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids. In fact, it’s cold as hell.”

Buck listened to the song a little longer, a little more thoughtfully than before. “You’re right, Bobby sucks for listening to this right now,” he agreed with a laugh.

_I’m not the man they think I am at home_

_Oh no, no, no_

_I’m a rocket man_

16 months ago, Buck was trying to keep a grip as he watched Earth shrink away.

The moment at hand seemed to parallel the one over a year ago so beautifully; he was running on the treadmill, the rhythmic thump of his foot hitting the belt grounding him somewhat. He was staring out the window at the red planet; it was growing smaller slowly, still largely dominating his vision. But this time, he wasn’t spiraling at the sight. It filled him with love and wonder: this was the planet he had been sent to for a year largely to prove it was possible. This journey was the culmination of human curiosity. But he was glad to be leaving, if he was honest. He was glad he was going home, going to L.A. to meet his niece and to see his sister again (and, if he was being honest, he was excited to see Chimney, too).

“What’s next for you?” Eddie had asked when Buck sat next to him, finished with his run.

“L.A.,” Buck replied, curious and confused because didn’t they cover this already?

“No, jobwise. The pay from the mission is good, but not _that_ good,” Eddie clarified.

“Oh,” Buck said. “I don’t know. I think maybe- I don’t know, it sounds dumb, but- my brother-in-law, well, my sort-of-brother-in-law is a firefighter, and he always has really cool stories, so I was thinking about…”

“Becoming a firefighter?” Eddie finished for him. Buck nodded, not quite ashamed of his goal but not entirely confident in it, either. Eddie grinned and bumped him with his shoulder. “You should go for it. I bet you’d be great at it.”

“What about you?” Buck asked.

“I don’t know. Adventure is great and all, but I miss my son. I might stick with a job with manageable hours for a little while. I bet I could get a job lecturing at universities. TedTalks and all that,” Eddie mused, grinning.

Buck nearly snorted. “I can’t imagine you as a professor,” he said, shaking his head. “Professor Diaz, Astronomy 101.”

“No, no, no,” Eddie cut in. “I don’t want to teach. I can just come in for lectures every now and then. Bounce from space class to space class. Any science department would love to have me.”

“As they should,” Buck answered, smiling softly at his boyfriend. Then he cupped his check, leaned in close, and almost went in to kiss him. Instead, he leaned just a little farther and whispered, “I’m gonna beat your ass at Monopoly tonight.”

Somehow, the five months on a space shuttle sucked more than the cumulative 16 other months Buck had spent separated from Earth. Perhaps it was the anticipation, the ever lurking soonness of their return, being so close yet so far from the finish line, that made the trip so hellish. At least the crew was still in it together.

“What sucks is we didn’t even technically stay on Mars for a year,” Mateo said one night at dinner. He was staring down at his plate, eating without a care in the world, but looked up at the other five’s judgmental stare when no one answered. “What? It’s true. A year on Mars is like 680-something days. And it was a leap year on Earth this year.”

“Shit,” Buck said. “Fuck you, Chavez.”

The crew was no longer still in it together, because it was starting to seem like five people were independently planning a murder.

The space shuttle had touched down.

_The space shuttle had touched down._

They were on Earth again.

It was almost more than Buck could bear. He was preparing himself, mentally, for the crowd of people waiting. The doors would open, they’d walk through a short tunnel, and _bam_ . His sister, his niece, Chimney. Eddie had his son coming, probably his parents. Bobby’s family, Hen’s family, Mateo’s best friends, Grace’s husband- probably more, too. NASA professionals, people who worked on _Iliad I_ from the ground, doctors, news reporters, and who knows who else. Buck almost felt overwhelmed already.

Then there was a hiss, the doors slid open, and he could hear a lot of chatter in the distance. Buck looked at Eddie, entwining their fingers. They shared a smile, and Buck knew, regardless of whatever else happened, they’d have each other’s back.

They stepped into the tunnel, and back into life on Earth.

Home.

**Author's Note:**

> please feel free to leave a comment letting me know what you thought! constructive criticism means the world to me, and i actually havent ever written fanfiction for a tv show before now so!!! i hope i did them justice!!!!


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